Friday, March 04, 2005
Some thoughts never go away...
I am always wondering what it is going to be like when I am a civilian again. Soon it will stop being just a thought and will be my reality (scary and exciting) I hate the army but one thing it is is stable, I have a job, money, and healthcare... I was dealing with PTSS, one of the good things about it though is if your willing to discuss the things that caused it (like when I saw that little boy get shot in the head and had to interpret for his uncle who was holding him with pieces of skull and brain on his immaculate white shirt splattered with surreal bright red) it actually gets easier to bear... It will never go away (or I have been told) but I can go on with my life now, for about 8 months it was always in the forefront of my mind (constant daydreams about the incident). It makes me sick still to really think about it, but it is like a memory that I always go back to and wonder around in... You know how you might have something you remember and as time goes by it gets fuzzy? Not this, it stays crystal (I mean fucking crystal) clear the way the corn field next to the truck was, how the shirt looked, the boy's head, the drink of water I took after....etc... It is all perfect in my memory and the details feel sharper than normal, (like those laundry commercials, the whites are whiter, the brights brighter) and combat is like that as well. It is like your brain operates at this one level (lets say like 60-65%) and then when shit really happens your adrenalin totally kicks in and everything slows down (almost like in the movies when shit gets technocolor, and slows down) and it stays like that until your body calms down (as if your mind suddenly started operating at 100%) it is a feeling that I think could be addicting (the part where it seems like your mind has finally started operating at 100% and things have never been that clear or simple before, live or die, run or fight, survive or surcome)...Anyway, enough of my ranting. The combat memories are one thing... The little boy is something totally different (I never want to see that happen to another child as long as I live).