Thursday, July 13, 2006

Sand in My Head

They say every man can be bought, that given the right leverage you can get anything from anyone. To live in the cheap desert where the words “paid in full” come with the currency of blood. That is a life I have left behind but still it rages on, both in the news and in my head. Take a country and begin to pull… Pull until you hear something give, and you realize that you are ripping it apart.

It gets easier to pull after the tear begins, and from the torn middle you will find something extraordinary. Pouring out of that hole you will have a multitude of colors, red for blood, yellow for decay, black for death, and white as well, white for life. You see life does continue.

Two groups who have lived together before are now enemies as we sit here like children with our magnifying glasses trying to see if the scorpion we placed on the anthill will win or if the ants will kill it first. As we do this the rest of the world watches us. What do their eyes see when they read the news? I can not say for I am American, however I can guess.

In my head the sand still stings my face at times, and I still see the red all around. Part of me has these thoughts where I still must be alert at all times. The constant vigilance of my days has changed me from the innocent naïve boy of my youth.


kate mackay said...

I am so sorry that you are still and probably always will to some degree, dealing with the horrors of the war you left behind. It is difficult to have a full and complete life when a part of you is still there, with your mates, and with the Iraqis. Hopefully, with your insightful and deep writings, and with time, your angst will ease a bit, and you will acheive some degree of peace. I pray this for you.

Jana Lane said...

Sometines emotional and spiritual anguish can be helped by action. There are groups of Americans working to end the war in Iraq: Gold Star Mothers for Peace, Veterams For Peace and others. I don't know whether you've considered joining with any of them but I've found it makes me feel less isolated and more hopeful. It's good that you are writing about your experiences and feelings. Certainly other people, including me, need to know how you feel. Don't give up.

Albatroz said...


I pray to God that Americans like you are in the majority in the US. Because if you are not we may soon be all in a hell of a problem... Israel's actions against Palestinians and Lebanese are so cruel, so despicable, and Bush is so insistent in supporting them beyond all reason, that sooner or later the Middle East will explode. If that happens, I don't know wether any of us will escape the consequences.

Being Made said...


My husband is in the Navy and while he has already spent some time 'in country,' it is likely that he will never see a lot of what you saw. But I ache when I hear the anguish that continues when you guys come home all the more because of our life...

Know that we are praying for you. We know that the prayers must continue even after the welcome home sign comes down.


Anonymous said...

That's the kind of writing I've missed. Thank you.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if that last comment seemed to ignore the pain and frustration you are experiencing. I didn't mean to sound that way, but when I reread it, I thought perhaps it seemed that way.

This is a difficult time for the world. I can only imagine what it must be for you and all of the other people who have experienced the effect of our administration first hand.