Monday, October 20, 2008


In my head are swirling memories and thoughts, things that I cover up with my charisma and my freakishly large ego. People look at me and figure I am an ass hole or someone who is amazing to hang out with. Little do they know that in my head I harbor secrets that scare even me, the keeper of them. Secrets about how I feel about myself, secrets about what kind of person I see in the mirror when I open my eyes and actually look at myself...

Go ahead all of you who have read my blog and decided that I am someone you'd like to meet, tell me how wrong I am, or how I'm a good person, but you are not me, you don't really know what is in my head or what my eyes have seen. I write and tell you of the things I have done, of the death I have born witness to and of the death I have caused. I feel no shame for my actions, regret for some, but shame? No. For that I may burn in hell, and perhaps I deserve to, but fuck anyone who dares judge me.

When I look in the mirror I see the cold dark eyes that I use to mask my thoughts, or at other times I see those warm friendly eyes that belong to a handsome man who is a good father and a good provider. Regardless of those eyes, I know what lies behind them... Maybe I look at my eyes to make sure that they are opaque, that none of you (those who know me, or those who read my writing) will ever see even a glimpse of what lies behind them. I do not like looking into my eyes. It makes me sad to see what is behind them. I pull my slight of hand with those in my life so that they are focusing on the carefree unembarrassed fun individual I bring to them, as opposed to the monster or the hurt soul with all of it's cracks and wounds. A soul that is amazing to me because of the fact that it is even there at all.

My soul... My inner being, that is so flawed that I don't even know what to say. I can tell you all of this because I still do not lead on as to what is behind my eyes. I merely tell you the symptom of it all. So... My soul, it was once some marble statue created by God to be a beautiful form of man. What I have now is a cracked thing who's glory has long since passed. An unpolished broken and deformed version of what you have inside of yourself.

My soul is strong, yes, behind all those cracks and behind exactly how horrid it is, it still maintains its strength. It is like the scars on a shark. They were all wounds that have healed, and while the body is a disgusting mass of healed flesh the shark is more powerful because of its wounds. Each one of those brutal lacerations have taught it a lesson and it is where it's at because of them.

I am that shark. Judge me if you will, I may even deserve it, but I will always hold my head high, I will not ever let you in. As I said before, behind my eyes are things that can still make me cry, those things are only for me to see; even then they belong hidden away from all but the deepest chasms of my memory.


Anonymous said...


jo111706yahoocom said...

I may not be a soldier but i was very captured on what was said here my own life has a bit of a battle nothing like you are facing but i still have those empty eyes and shark scares thanks so much for sharing thought only War was supose to make you feel less than nothing but any one can an only our selves can pick us up brush us off and get us to put on that mask of like and keep going with a shread of happy thoughts

Devon Ellington said...

Few have lived through what you have, and no one else lives in your skin.

Remember that you're like a diamond, with many facets, and some of those you can choose to never reveal to others. You have the right to protect your own soul, without judgment.

Most of us have dark recesses that we hide away from everyone, especially ourselves. You've faced many of yours, and they're closer to the surface.

It's what you do with those facets of your personality, the choices you make from this moment on, that will define you.

Anyone who expects you to be perfect all the time is delusional, and probably is too terrified ever to face the aspects of personality and possibility of personality the way you have.

You are uniquely yourself. No one will ever be exactly like you. You will have good days and bad days, wonderful days and horrible days. It's how you integrate all your aspects that will make the difference.

Best wishes.