Thoughts

You may be surprised that my thoughts often turn towards violence when you hear me speak so clearly of leaving Iraq and of peace. Who I ask you, wants peace more than the warrior who has seen battle? Yet I still turn toward murderous ideas and bloodletting. Reflection on what I have seen is most of what occupies those darker areas of my psyche, for instance the time I lived for 10 days with a dead body next to me, some of the soldiers called the dead Iraqi Fred and would talk to him while on guard duty (“hey Fred, how are you today.” Etc). Or at times I will focus on some person and imagine how I would stop him from hurting my family (often with an ending involving up close and personal fisticuffs of the most violent nature). I have never acted on any of these thoughts but I wonder how many others find themselves thinking them.

There is no question of responsibility, for I most times carry a knife and have never even brandished it to anyone, but there it is safe and snug against my upper thigh in my pocket, just in case… Now I am not a stupid man (on the contrary I feel that I am a very intelligent man) nor am I a foolish man, so why do I think this way? Well, to quote a favorite movie of mine (Empire Records), “who knows where thoughts come from?” These thoughts, however, I feel have a very distinct birthing in my brain which is a short word but it conjures so many images. That word is war. Perhaps you consider me “damaged goods” now because of what I have seen and done, yet I don’t feel this way. I believe that I have grown in so many ways which are impossible to others. Please don’t mistake me now when I say this for I am no combat junkie needing a gun in hand and death in the eye. By taking a look into my own thoughts I feel that I can make something good from what was at times a nightmare. What would life be if we learned nothing from our experiences?

Experience, it is on almost every kind of job description. It is required for almost everything having to do with money, and money, that is the real key isn’t it? What would the world be without it? I find myself linking those two almost interchangeably when looking at the world go by on it’s busy schedule. Now the real question is who would pay me for MY experience? What is life but a series of exchanges, and what do I have to offer other than the things I was trained for? A lot it turns out. So begins today an attempt at reentering our society. Don’t ask me how for the plan is still forming but death can teach you so much about life, and I feel that I know this better than most.

So from the violence that churns around our world comes ideas and from ideas we may grow. Allow me these musings and we shall see where our journey takes us. I welcome you all along for the ride, but I must warn you that there will be (like any good story true or otherwise) darkness and sorrow, but perhaps we shall find something greater than ourselves in the end.

Oh… and take care,


Zachary Scott-Singley