New haircut

21 February 2009

I've thought a lot about what to say to this. I have thought about why someone would post this. I generally have thought a lot about things. First off, I would agree with you whole heartedly, I crave attention, negative attention or positive attention. Either one makes me feel a little more whole, a little more accepted by the group. I have been this way for quite a while, but yeah, Iraq has made me crave more attention and acceptance than before.

Why is that? Is it because I don't like what I see in my own eyes? Yeah, there are soldiers out there who have gone through more and there are some who have gone through less. Pity? Yeah, I would love some pity, I would love to make a million on my stupid donation link on the page, but of course that won't happen.

Pity? I also would reject your damn pity. Pretty two sided of me isn't it? I guess you should call me out on that too. I told someone I respect very much that regardless of what I am in my life, regardless of whether I am a good or bad person, regardless of whether I am rich or poor I want to be a good father. I have my issues, and YES they are huge. Heaven forbid whoever decides to be a friend to me in my life because they take no normal person, they take a piece of brokenness to befriend.

So you want to talk pity? Lets talk pity. I have pity, pity for those I have hurt and pity for those who are hurting from others. Lets play holier than thou. Ok, you win. Judge me. Find me guilty and fucking judge me.

Where to now? You going to find someone to carry out whichever sentence you see fit? Good luck with that. I know hurt, I know let down, I know pain and I know loss. Tell me about those things will ya?

So, maybe my readers thought I was some hurt lost soul who did no wrong. Ok, I want you all to know that I have done much wrong in my life. I have caused hurt and I have caused pain. I don't have any malice in my blood, but no, I am not innocent in what I have done and I have no special reasons or logic to make up for the wrong I have caused. I am just me. Zach. Take it or leave it.

One of my blog's comments

Here is a post on the comments section of the post titled, I can Admit When I'm Wrong I thought I should post it on my main page instead of burried in the comments section. Let me know what you guys think.


Anonymous said...
Funny title...'Cause it really seems like you never do! And as if you haven't already asked for enough sympathy--when really you should take some responsibility--do you really need a DONATE button?

You're probably not even man enough to leave this comment up so as to not spoil your pathetic image you've worked so hard to "create"...we don't all believe in it though, FYI. Some people can see right through you. Sad how you need attention so badly, you'll even take the negative bits to satisfy your super ego. Grow up, man! And be honest with yourself!

Beware, readers of Zachary, it isn't all he makes it sound to be!

February 16, 2009 7:31 PM

I can admit when I'm wrong

Ok, so maybe the mutton chops were not the best idea, maybe they were fever induced and lame, regardless of what they were I had a tough time taking my face seriously, so they HAD to go. Here is me now.

Sick Zach with Mutton Chops

The Tampa, FL Veterans Affairs Hospital

The VA... So I was convinced about a year and a half ago to begin going to the VA for PTSD. That was quite a feat in itself, and at first I was pleased with the service provided. That was until I actually began seeing the doctors there. Now the VA I am talking about (I can't mention ALL VA hospitals, because I have only been to one) is the James A Haley Veterans Hospital in Tampa Florida. I began there with an orientation, they stated that all Afghanistan and Iraq vets were to be awarded with something like 5 years free VA medical service.

Yeah, this was bull shit as I have begun receiving the first bills. I have said this before, and I will say it again, I am a survivor. While surviving at times is just that... Making it to the next day... I will not now or ever give up. But is that really a way to live? To just simply survive? I begun to seek help for PTSD and have been awarded a meager compensation (yes very meager) for my disability (PTSD).

So it was a shock when that bill hit me. Now I have my own medical insurance, and for me to see my own doctor instead of a VA doctor (as I have been doing since I was assured it was free) it is actually cheaper for me to pay my co-payment instead of the VA's co-payment.

All of this would not alarm or bother me so much if I didn't have other friends who were also going to the same VA hospital. They are not being charged and they are receiving better care than I am. I am grateful for the fact that they are getting the help they need, but I must ask, where is the help you promised when I first came?

I can get a PTSD appointment maybe every 3-4 months at best, and have begun paying out of pocket to see a private therapist because it just ISN'T enough... Every 3-4 months? Really? Part of me wants to take this to the national and local press, but part of me just wants to get better. To put Iraq behind me... Then I think to myself, I am probably not the only one being charged by the VA to get the help I need, the help I am being compensated for (in the form of disability payments) and the fact that it IS service connected should make it free right? Why should I and other's like me suffer? This is not right.

I think back to my friends who have suffered next to me as they both witnessed death and caused death in Iraq. Are they getting the care they deserve? Should they be forced to pay the VA for care that is service connected? Should they be forced to pay out of pocket like I am just because the VA isn't providing it? This is wrong on so many levels.

Benny got in trouble for getting into the pizza

Benny is happy now that he isn't in trouble